flexibeast.space - gemlog - 2024-10-18
How not to ‘support’ people
Someone with disability, chronic illness, trauma, or grief expresses the difficulties and challenges they're facing. In response, a number of people will express sympathy/empathy, by saying something like “Sorry you're having to deal with this”, and maybe asking “Is there anything I can do to support you?”
However, there are many people who will instead choose to ‘support’ that person by giving unsolicited advice - as though the person in question mustn't have tried to find ways to manage this stuff, possibly for months, years and even decades. And to them i say:
Have you considered just shutting the hell up?
Regardless of how well-meaning your intent might be, the metamessage of your unsolicited advice is effectively:
“I'm performatively ‘caring’, to make me, not you, feel better. (And to give me an out to make it your fault, not mine, if your situation doesn't improve according to my timetable.)”
Even more so when the person has specifically stated that they don't want advice. ‘Supporting’ someone by giving them advice’ when they have explicitly asked that people not do so is sending a metamessage:
“I don't care about your boundaries.”
You don't know what's going on for a person as well as they do. You don't know all the internal tensions and external factors they're dealing with. And even if you did, you still don't have a right to cross their expressed boundaries.
Think about someone with disability, chronic illness, trauma, or grief having to do extra emotional labour in order to deal with your inconsiderate and inappropriate behaviour.
Just. Shut. The. Hell. Up.
☙